When I first found out that Dimitri had to start blood transfusions the stress was unbearable that Cristian and I got divorced because it made our issues bigger. After months to figure things out we decided to get back together and make things work.
We did such or so I thought…
We bought a house, Cristian got a job out-of-state. In this time I found out that Angelina also had to start BT, and it was that roller coaster ride again. The emotional stress and trying to pull myself out of the self-pity. Needing the emotional support. Cristian decided to come back home to support the family.
We started a business even if slow I felt Cristian’s support at home with the kids and how everyone’s relationship grew stronger. In this time our business is not moving forward and not making any money, so I am financially supporting our family, and depended on Cristian’s help with the kids, since he was un-willing to find a second job. The stress of knowing that our gas will be shut off and if we will have enough to buy food until the next pay check. Watching my debt get deeper and deeper. My stress is so much that I began to become numb.
Financially we can never afford to go out or have some adult time. So the tension builds as well. I start putting on weight, and everything is too much to handle, so I decide to start working out and eating healthy in hopes to create self-worth again for myself, but also entice my relationship.
Results were that I have lost my personality, and I don’t put any effort into our family. A bit of jealousy that I allowed my kids to talk to their dad who in reality I feel it was premature as well. Their father has taken no responsibility or has shown any interest in their health situation. I stopped all communication and visitation and he recently decided to take an interest. Truth be told Cristian has been there for most BT for both kids and has been Dimitri’s male figure and father figure and here their dad wants to jump in and take his title back that he didn’t earn.
Right when I thought I was on the right track to find inner happiness again, I got knocked down from my feet. I know it has taken toll of my emotions I hear it at work as well. My family was all I had left on my side and now I feel that was torn apart.
I am so tired of the emotional tool and stress and now the only relationship that ever mattered to me, may end because I am numb but at the same time what more could I have done when I took over everything? I feel so lost and drained and that I have done all I can. I feel as if I have lost myself because not any loads have been taken off my back. Yet it is my entire fault.
I am so tired….
Monday, January 9, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Looking at it differently
I have to say I have met many wonderful people all over the world who live with Thalassemia and every time it amazes me to hear the journeys of others. How much hope it has given me, but also made me a stronger person to be able to raise my kids mentally healthy as well.
Maybe this will make sense to some and maybe some will be thinking I make no sense at all. I have mentioned in the past that as a mother I know there is a different way to live through life. Such as turning 16 and going to parties being wild and crazy. Eating as I wish, no medication I needed to remember. At 18 years old move into my car and travel no doctors appointments plus I didn't have insurance and I didn't care. I was young healthy and free. Yeah it was careless, but I learned so much from that period of my life, how many choose to back-pack through Europe.
In my kids case they will need to have insurance and keep their doctors appointments and remember their medication every day. That used to bother me SO much because they wouldn't have that freedom I did. Then the financial burden when it starts rolling over to their hands scares the life out of me. Every time I would hear the word disease or say it or write it every hair on my body sticks up.
To bring all this together I met a woman with Thal major who changed my thoughts forever. Her spirit so free and full of laughter, full of life! I feel like 85% of the time I am a walking zombie mourning already and here in just an email I felt her life through her writing that shook me up. The one thing I have been saying to my self over and over again today that she shared with me and I never saw Thalassemia in that light "It is a condition not a disease". I don't know if it is my dramatic Greek side of me that was always seeing the negative, but that is true it should be taken seriously when it comes to the treatment, but if you maintain your treatment most likely you are NOT going to die tomorrow and your chances of fulfilling a normal life are still getting better with today's medicine.
"Thalassemia is a condition not a disease or illness, it requires maintenance but there is nothing we cannot achieve."
Thank you koukla for bringing light back into my eyes.
Again we should not be going through this alone, I have found that even from far away so many people have helped me as I hope I have helped them. The best cure is people coming together and making it happen!
Maybe this will make sense to some and maybe some will be thinking I make no sense at all. I have mentioned in the past that as a mother I know there is a different way to live through life. Such as turning 16 and going to parties being wild and crazy. Eating as I wish, no medication I needed to remember. At 18 years old move into my car and travel no doctors appointments plus I didn't have insurance and I didn't care. I was young healthy and free. Yeah it was careless, but I learned so much from that period of my life, how many choose to back-pack through Europe.
In my kids case they will need to have insurance and keep their doctors appointments and remember their medication every day. That used to bother me SO much because they wouldn't have that freedom I did. Then the financial burden when it starts rolling over to their hands scares the life out of me. Every time I would hear the word disease or say it or write it every hair on my body sticks up.
To bring all this together I met a woman with Thal major who changed my thoughts forever. Her spirit so free and full of laughter, full of life! I feel like 85% of the time I am a walking zombie mourning already and here in just an email I felt her life through her writing that shook me up. The one thing I have been saying to my self over and over again today that she shared with me and I never saw Thalassemia in that light "It is a condition not a disease". I don't know if it is my dramatic Greek side of me that was always seeing the negative, but that is true it should be taken seriously when it comes to the treatment, but if you maintain your treatment most likely you are NOT going to die tomorrow and your chances of fulfilling a normal life are still getting better with today's medicine.
"Thalassemia is a condition not a disease or illness, it requires maintenance but there is nothing we cannot achieve."
Thank you koukla for bringing light back into my eyes.
Again we should not be going through this alone, I have found that even from far away so many people have helped me as I hope I have helped them. The best cure is people coming together and making it happen!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Starting off the New Year
So far with the New Year, been eating healthy, exercising and even though I am in pain I am still determined to get into shape and show my kids to never give up or let go of them selves. Again our children learn from example not by what we preach.
In other aspects even though I couldn't move forward with new advances I worked for, I am still grateful to have the opportunities given to my family and I.
People are learning about our business thanks to Groupon and I hope business will continue to do well. Angelina in her pre-teens emotionally so pray for us, girls are harder work than boys.
Already I have inspired Dimitri to really consider eating healthy vs. craving the yummy junk foods (Angelina, I don't know if I will ever convince her but there is hope). Taking good health seriously. He also is opening a little business my little entrepreneur and Dimitri will start looking for a High School (that is so crazy High School! When did that time pass?).
I submitted Dimitri a year ago to make-a-wish foundation and gave up on the whole thing, but we got a call and not only did they pull through to inspire him by granting a wish, but he actually gets to have his exact wish in which I never would of thought possible. I can not wait to go home and surprise him. That was the best news all year. It will be interesting when Angelina makes up her mind what she wants. I will keep everyone posted.
Well, even though the New Year is still not done for me it will be interesting to see how it finishes. I do believe that the first 12 days represent each month and how the emotions and circumstances will be so 9 more days to go.....
In other aspects even though I couldn't move forward with new advances I worked for, I am still grateful to have the opportunities given to my family and I.
People are learning about our business thanks to Groupon and I hope business will continue to do well. Angelina in her pre-teens emotionally so pray for us, girls are harder work than boys.
Already I have inspired Dimitri to really consider eating healthy vs. craving the yummy junk foods (Angelina, I don't know if I will ever convince her but there is hope). Taking good health seriously. He also is opening a little business my little entrepreneur and Dimitri will start looking for a High School (that is so crazy High School! When did that time pass?).
I submitted Dimitri a year ago to make-a-wish foundation and gave up on the whole thing, but we got a call and not only did they pull through to inspire him by granting a wish, but he actually gets to have his exact wish in which I never would of thought possible. I can not wait to go home and surprise him. That was the best news all year. It will be interesting when Angelina makes up her mind what she wants. I will keep everyone posted.
Well, even though the New Year is still not done for me it will be interesting to see how it finishes. I do believe that the first 12 days represent each month and how the emotions and circumstances will be so 9 more days to go.....
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